Eleven Years...

Eleven years have come and gone since my precious baby cousin, Justin, was born into the arms of Jesus. This stone marks sweet Justin's grave, but he's not there... Justin's Home.

August 19, 1999--

Sitting at the hospital, waiting for Justin to be born, hoping and praying that the doctors were wrong and that he would be born alive and healthy. My seven-year-old mind was whirling with confusing thoughts and my heart was breaking. I remember thinking that babies don't die. Old people die... people in accidents and other things like that sometimes die, but not a baby. My heart ached... you see Justin's Mommy and Daddy, my very special Aunt and Uncle, had waited a long time for this miracle. I was so excited! I had spent hours making a plastic canvas kleenex box cover for his room... I bought him a toy... I constantly talked about playing with him and loving on him and getting to hold my very first cousin! Now, my world suddenly was turned upside down. Justin would never see that kleenex box cover, would never play with his caterpillar, would not be here to play with, to cuddle and love on, or to hold. Justin was going home.

I was sitting in the waiting room with my uncle when my Mom came out and sat next to me. "Honey, you see that picture over there with Jesus holding a baby on it?" she asked me with tears running down her face. "Yes, Mommy I see it." "Well, honey that's Justin now. Jesus is holding Justin." I don't remember too much after that all I remember is the pain, literal pain that swept over my heart. I remember sobbing and being held by my Momma. I remember watching my Aunt and Uncle weeping as if their hearts were breaking, and looking back on it... they were. I remember my Mom and dad, and the other family members crying so hard. I remember the rain that fell in a downpour... As all of Heaven "cried" with us...

A few days later, I stood at your funeral service while your Pap-pa Schnell spoke the best he could to those gathered there. I remember the little white casket adorned with baby blue flowers. I remember the heart-wrenching sobs that arose from that grieving crowd. I remember the feelings of unfairness in my heart. Why did he have to die? Why? Why? Why? But, you know I remember, in the midst of all that sorrow and suffering, I remember hope. Hope that lifted up and carried my Aunt and Uncle through that time... Hope that made us all go on, because one day, if we live right, we'll see Justin again. I will see Justin... I will get to hold him for the very first time. I will get to hug him, kiss his sweet little face. I believe I will KNOW him even though I've never seen him.

Dear Justin,
Happy 11th Birthday, sweet baby! I know your time there in Heaven seems but just a little while and that you're so happy! You've been "raised" by Jesus... your Heavenly Father. You've played with angels and walked on streets of gold. You've had the privilege to worship at the feet of Jesus, and be held in His loving arms. You're a very lucky little boy, sweetheart! Cousin Holly would love to be there in Heaven doing all those things. My heart is very homesick. I want to come home. I want to see my Blessed Saviour first of all, and praise Him for saving such a wretch like me! I'm not worthy but I'm so thankful He came for me! Then I'd want to see you! I believe sweetie that you'll be waiting for me when I get home, with all the balloons that I've sent to you. I believe you're going to show Holly around Heaven but I think the first place you'll take me is to see Jesus! Together for the first time ever, you, my little angel cousin, and I will worship the Lord!! I can't wait honey, I really can't wait... I can't wait to come home. Keep waiting Just in side the Eastern Gate, Justin. I'll be there in the morning! I love you, sweetheart, I love you SO much!
Much Love,
Cousin Holly

P.S. Tell Jesus that I love Him and that I'm going to follow Him all the way home!